Trapped Between Love and Abuse: A Journey of Heartbreak and Hope

“Hello everyone, I'm 33 years old and feeling utterly lost. I'm at a crossroads, unable to decide about my future: should I return to him or proceed with a divorce? Four months ago, I mustered the courage to leave my husband after three years of marriage and a total of sixteen years together. Over time, I became accustomed to the abuse, but the last incident was particularly harrowing. After an evening where he assaulted me, he woke me at 5 a.m. to continue the beating because he couldn't sleep while I could. That was the breaking point. Despite everything, I think about him daily. I even considered going back to him, but he refused, claiming he couldn't trust me after I left, taking everything from the house, including merchandise from a business I had financed to help him establish. A few days ago, I visited him, proposing to reconcile. After we were intimate, he said he'd think about it. I left in tears, hating myself for being so weak. My self-esteem is shattered. I'm lost. I can't envision myself with anyone else. He embodies everything my heart desires, except for those violent episodes. I'm ashamed for still wanting him despite all he's done. I feel like I could always forgive him, which I know isn't healthy. People say my capacity to forgive him is madness. It wasn't just the occasional beatings but also the days, weeks, even months of silence because he wasn't well—no talking, no laughing, no intimacy. Yet with others, he was all smiles, sharing laughs and high-fives, enjoying life. I was afraid to express my thoughts or respond when he got angry, fearing another beating. My approach was silence, a heavy heart on the verge of exploding, and doing everything perfectly to avoid angering him, striving for a harmonious life. But external problems would anger him, and I bore the brunt. What a life! I've done so much hoping he'd change. I still hope he will one day. The problem is, I don't see him as he truly is; I see the version of him I hope for. I wish he could be the man I want him to be so I can finally be happy. Thank you for reading.”